Why.

It's a word everyone's associated with.
It's the word that children ponder as they learn about the world.
It's the word that adults ponder when things go wrong.
It's the word the elderly ponder when they reflect and regret.

I've never been one to really think about why things happen. I just accepted it and moved on. It's been my demeanor since day one.
Everything happens for a reason, and that even if I don't necessarily believe in God or a god, something out there made every cause and effect for some particular reason. But recently, that "why" I've been avoiding for so long has come to haunt me as if I were the only one left to haunt in this world. Instead of just accepting things cause they happened, I began to think why am I always on the short end of the stick? Why have I tried my hardest to accommodate others needs, yet somehow in the end, I'm the one left out? Why do I try so hard, only to get disappointed every single fucking time?

I sit here, listening to my camp songs knowing that it's the only thing that's been there for me for the past 3 years. I sit here, in the cold in the middle of the quads with a dim street light above me as the only guide for my already shot handwriting. I sit here alone, knowing I have 3 midterms next week, yet I can only ponder why. It's uncharacteristic of me to dwell, but I can't get over the fact that I haven't been completely who I want to be since I've gotten up here. Everything's just been piling up until now, and I guess today was just the tipping point. Why is this happening? Why now? I really wish I knew...

I just wish I knew.
Because instead of wondering why, I would finally be able to be at ease and not think twice about things...

how things have always been for me..


till next time,
take care guys.

-Darrel Phong