Cherry.

Life's going fine.
The same melodious beat over and over again.
The same happy tune of optimism beating ever so gently.

As the electric hits, turmoil begins to clash with the happy.
Although it clashes, it creates a harmonious tune.

They work so well to repel each other that they end up working with each other to create such a beautiful tune...


Then it gets quiet...
What was once perfect harmony is put on hold.
Not knowing what's next...the happy tune comes in slightly...easing its' way in...


but in an instant the climax of the song hits.
It brings total disorder, but it's so foreign that it brings nothing but hope that the best is yet to come...

My life in a song.


Ratatat-Cherry.


Till next time..
Take care guys.

-Darrel

Transition States.

I hate it when I first come home for break, or first get back up to school.

For the prior, it's awkward being thrown into Orange County after being isolated from it for a good 4 months. Everyone has their own lives going on and me...I'm just here for a temporary stay. I leave as quick as I enter the OC scene.

For the latter, I know it's the start of a new semester and my sleeping cycles going to get raped by some science that will never apply to my life ever again.

But what both these situations have in common is that, well once you stay in it long enough, you don't want to leave.

You see, it's bittersweet every time I go home and when I get back up to school.

Sure, the first week or so is awkward..but you get into the swing of things. You appreciate everything you have at home, and you start hanging out with the old friends again. It's like high school, except we can all drive and shit seems more intelligent when we speak.

For school its the same thing.

You dread going back, but when you're back up there you know you got your fams up there too. Late night ramen runs, walking everywhere. Doing everything with everyone every single waking moment of the day. It's nice.

We get attached to whatever it is at home and at school and it makes us not want to leave.
Thats why I hate it when people ask me if I like school or home better.
Cause I feel like the answer is wherever I was last.

But anyway...I'm in that first arriving at home state right now.
It's been nice relaxing and being with my family..but it's definitely not as spontaneous as dorm life.
I just found out I probably won't get to see her till summer.
I've been studying microbiology to get ahead.
And I haven't been able to sleep really lately.

Sounds like a nice start to winter break yeah?

But what can you do..

It's that transition state right now...
and if someone were to ask me where I'd want to be right now..I'd tell them that I want to be up at school with my dormmates and bro's and sis'.

I was really only looking forward to 3 things this break.
Being with my fam, seeing the RC kiddos in action, and seeing her.

But it looks like 2/3 will have to do.

Will things get better?
usually, it does.

But only time shall tell.

Till next time.
Take care.
-Darrel

PS. I was gonna try to intertwine OCHEM and this but, no.
I'm too tired to think.

All Along.

It's been a while.

Since my last post I have....

1. Fucked up my knee.
2. Decided to stay back another year in undergrad.
3. Got a new addition to my KY family.
4. Gotten fat.
5. Started to enjoy college.

#1 I'm definitely not grateful for, but it made me realize how precious walking is.
#2 I hate organic chemistry, but it led me to #5, so it's a good thing.
#3 I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for Su. She means the world to me and I seriously could not have asked for a better little.
#4 fuck fat


As for #5....as some of you know, I dropped organic chemistry because my professor and I just did not work out too well. Which led me to stay back another year for undergad before entering pharm school. But what I realized was how tired I was. How I've just been working only to realize that my undergrad was this close to being done already. What I realized was how unhappy I was.

All along.
I've just been studying and not doing much more.

All along...
I've been a pretty lonely guy.


After I came back from tonight's festivities... words throughout the night that were said just keep ringing in the back of my mind.
What am I really doing...
why can't I really be happy?

haha
it sounds real gay but in the end those questions always pop up in my head.

Maybe I just need a girlfriend.
Shit.
Maybe I'm looking for something more than just all this that I've been dealing with since I got here.
Maybe...I'm just overthinking shit again.

Who know's.

My thoughts are really all over the place tonight, and I apologize because it's hard to follow and probably doesn't make any sense..

Anyways...I should stop.


till next time.
take care.

-Darrel

Late night musing.

In an instant, it was all over.

Done before it even started.

"So it's settled, nothings ever gonna happen?"
"yeah..."


All because of school...all because of fucking distance.
I think it's complete bullshit that we're throwing it all away.

We'll continue being friends, knowing that it's all it's ever going to be.
Just friends.

I'm sitting here, waiting for the sun to rise so that I can start a new day.
I've only seen the sun rise 3 times in my life. Those 3 times were on the 3 Thursday nights at camp. It marked the end of a special week in my life.
I guess today's marks the end of me never being able to see one with you.

I've liked you for the past 2 got damn years, and it all ends with you telling me again that long distance is too hard.

I guess you finally telling me to let go is hitting me harder than I thought...

You were right though..
I do keep a lot of things to myself. You know me better than anyone else.
I keep shit like this to myself cause you mean too much to me.
And you'll probably never know how I really feel.

Till next time..
Take care.

-Darrel

Steadier Footing.

It's gotten late and now, I want to be alone.
All of our friends were here, they all have gone home.
And here I sit on the front porch, watching the drunks stumble forth into the night.

"You gave me a heart attack, I didn't see you there. I thought you had disappeared so early, away from here."

And this is the chance I never got, to make a move, but we just talked about the people we have met in the last five years, and will we remember them in 10 more.

I let you bum a smoke, you quit this winter past. I've tried twice before, but like this, it just would not last.




Till next time.
Take care.

-Darrel

hmm..

I'm at a crossroads with life.

I don't know where I'm headed.
I don't know where I actually belong.
I don't know who I really am at this point.


I miss who I used to hang out with, but things have changed, and alas

I find myself just doing nothing during this summer that was supposed to rejuvenate me for next semester.
It was supposed to bring everything back to how it used to be.


Nope.
Summer's done nothing of the sort.

I want to go back up, but at the same time I want to stay down south to see what happens.

Maybe I need to let go of the past.
Is this a situation I usually overanalyze?
Yeah, probably.
Am I usually right?
Yes, indeedy.

Is that why I can usually let go of things and never really think twice about it again?
Yup.

Is this the fond farewell from High school that I should've done a long time ago?
Possibly...

something just keeps me holding on.
I just need to figure out what..

hmm...



ps. My Watch-How-I-Met-Your-Mother-till-4-A.M. buddy. She's awe, wait for it, some. Awe, actually quite a lot. miss you mish.


till next time,
take care guys.

-Darrel

Uninspired.

I'm not going to lie to you guys and say that I've been to busy to update my blog. Because I really haven't. Yeah sure, I've been taking Summer school all summer, but with my free time, I've just been trying to figure shit out, and avoiding trying to figure shit out by doing absolutely nothing.

The fact of the matter is, I've tried writing numerous times since my last update, I just could never finish it off. It wasn't good enough. I'm not even sure if this will be something I want to put out.

The fact of the matter is, I suck at writing now. Looking at some of the excerpts of the drafts that were written the past couple weeks( as well as some from my senior year), I realized that alot of my writing is...well, garbage. Take a look..

"I wake up in the morning.
Turn on my power chord and plug in my iPod, go to check the weather and put on music to accommodate my mood.
Brush my teeth, turn on my laptop, check up on sports and Facebook.
Go to school.
Come back home.
Go on my laptop.
And do nothing noteworthy the rest of the day.
When I'm lucky, I'll throw in..." - 4/7/09

"Have you ever been disappointed?
I know, I know. Stupid and obvious question, right?
But just hear me out.

Today was the first day back to school after a much needed spring break.
If there were a more opportune time for disappointment to strike, it would have struck me when I woke up this morning, and instead of getting my gym bag and going to the gym, I got my backpack and went to school instead...." 4/13/09


"As I sit in my bed listening to the Kid Cudi....,"5/25/10

"It's been a long year..."6/10/10


My writing has seen better days...but I guess it's reminiscent of my summer thus far. The whole time I was up at Pacific for school, I wanted to go home. Now that I'm home, I want to go back to Pacific. This whole first week of summer, I've just kept to myself, and if I did see someone I knew, it was by mere chance. Is it cause I'm lazy? Is it cause I feel like I should be studying?

I really have no idea. I feel like I'm out of the loop at home now. I can't just walk over to someones room at 2 in the morning and cook ramen and eat and say fuck studying down here. Nope.

I feel like I can't even call people up anymore.
This is starting to sound emo. I'm going to tell you right now that I'm not, it's just an awkward situation to be in.


I miss my bro's and fam at pacific.
I miss doing random shit with my friends from high school.

Uninspired is what I am right now.
It's what my laid back personality has led me to this summer...


cheers.

Till next time guys.
Take care.
-Darrel

Recollection.

I can't believe it.

This week is my last week as a Freshman in college.
After countless hours of studying, pledging, and the lack of sleep, it all comes down to one last week of work and one day of finals.

Times just going by way too quickly.
By this time next year, I could possibly be on my way to pharmacy school, and virtually into the real world.

I'm scared as shit. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm not.I still remember my first day of High School all too vividly. It was just yesterday that I was sitting around my living room making mailboxes for delegates, forget going to graduate school.

Am I even ready?
I just don't know..

I feel like I'm still too young, but I came here for a reason, to graduate young.

The friends I've made, the brotherhood I've joined, I feel like I won't be here long enough to fully experience it.

Justin has told me before that being a 2+3, it goes by way too quickly.
I never really believed him cause at the time, I was always busy with exams or something, and it seemed like Freshman year would never end.
But as the last week is approaching, his words could not have resonated more and more.

This is how I felt when I woke up this morning.
This is how I felt as I walked to the UC to eat with Jarrett.
But when we sat down to eat, Justin was right there with us, asking us how studying was going and just checking up on us, as he usually does.

It really just put me at ease.
For some reason, I just kinda knew that everything would be alright.
After our little breakfast, it was off to the races to get a good spot at the library. Off to study so that I have that opportunity to cross over to Pharmacy school, and join the rest of my brothers.

Back to the daily grind for one more week.
One more week..

Till next time guys.
Take care.

-Darrel

P.S. I guess I never really got a chance, and I highly doubt he reads this, but Justin Seo, I owe you the biggest thank you thus far for everything at Pacific. You've been looking out for me even before I joined KY up till now, and for that I am truly grateful.

Why.

It's a word everyone's associated with.
It's the word that children ponder as they learn about the world.
It's the word that adults ponder when things go wrong.
It's the word the elderly ponder when they reflect and regret.

I've never been one to really think about why things happen. I just accepted it and moved on. It's been my demeanor since day one.
Everything happens for a reason, and that even if I don't necessarily believe in God or a god, something out there made every cause and effect for some particular reason. But recently, that "why" I've been avoiding for so long has come to haunt me as if I were the only one left to haunt in this world. Instead of just accepting things cause they happened, I began to think why am I always on the short end of the stick? Why have I tried my hardest to accommodate others needs, yet somehow in the end, I'm the one left out? Why do I try so hard, only to get disappointed every single fucking time?

I sit here, listening to my camp songs knowing that it's the only thing that's been there for me for the past 3 years. I sit here, in the cold in the middle of the quads with a dim street light above me as the only guide for my already shot handwriting. I sit here alone, knowing I have 3 midterms next week, yet I can only ponder why. It's uncharacteristic of me to dwell, but I can't get over the fact that I haven't been completely who I want to be since I've gotten up here. Everything's just been piling up until now, and I guess today was just the tipping point. Why is this happening? Why now? I really wish I knew...

I just wish I knew.
Because instead of wondering why, I would finally be able to be at ease and not think twice about things...

how things have always been for me..


till next time,
take care guys.

-Darrel Phong

...

I don't know what to think anymore.


I've been stuck between whether or not I should sign my name on the dotted line or not for the past week or so.

Every time I've mustered up the courage to walk over the bridge and put my name down, I end up backing down right before the pen hits the paper.

Every time I think about not signing, I think about how I might make the biggest mistake of my life.


People always say grades and pledging never go together.
I've had at least 12 bro's tell me otherwise today.
I've had my roommate and floormates give me the pro's and con's of both sides of the field.
I've had my real bro tell me that it was all up to me.

I've never been so uncertain about something in my life.
This is my future I'm fucking with.
But alas, at 1:37 in the morning, I think I've come to a decision.

What I see in Kappa Psi is similar to what I saw in the Red Cross.
A chance to advance my community while advancing myself and my bro's.
If I stay focused, things will come through for me, it's how it's always been.

By 4:00 P.M. tomorrow, everyone will know what I decide.
Let's hope it's not the wrong choice.
Don't fail me now...



till next time..
take care guys.