Been a while.

I come to you in despair. As the day's go by and I continue to stay in a continuous rut, it becomes more apparent. I do the same thing every single day. I wake up, I go to the gym, I go to class, I study, and then I go to sleep. Now, I've never been one to complain much, nor share my emotions, but this is something I just have to get off my chest. Yes, I have a great future ahead of me, yes, I'm in the best shape of my life, but what for? Not necessarily what for, but moreso who for? Every time I do something good or achieve something, I look to my phone to share with someone, but to no avail. Ever since my last relationship I haven't quite been the same. That empty void never quite filled, and it sucks...terribly. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the friends and family I do have in my life, but they're all moving on with their lives(as they should) and here I am moving on with my life with no one to share it with. There is just that something that a companion provides that no one else can. I'm left yearning for that special someone. All of my best friends have found theirs and their future seems so clear cut and happy. I want that. But alas, I chose the road less traveled and these are the repercussions I have to deal with. I'm going to wake up tomorrow at 6 a.m., go to the gym and work out. Go to class, and then study. When I come home that want to be able to talk on the phone with someone and ask them how their day is going will be greater than the day's prior, but I'll just sleep it off to repeat my routine for the next day. I sound selfish, I know this, but that's what happens when you spend most of the day to yourself. You think about how your life could be, no matter how ridiculous it is, and compare it to how your life is in the present. One day, I'll find her. One day. Til next time. Take care. -Darrel

Yellow Lights.

They light the streets on those lonely walks back to the dorm.

They light my desk when I study late at night in the room.

They light when the stoplights about to turn red, and you're contemplating whether or not to stop or go...



That's where I find myself lately...
I tell myself to get over her ever since we had that fallout before spring break.
Definitely not working.

The way I've been dealing with it is by just completely ignoring her, and reverting back to talking to my ex.

But I know that can only last so long, and it's a really bad idea of how to handle things.

Sometimes I wonder if she actually remembers if I exist

I want to talk to her, but I want to see that she cares enough to talk to me too..
Am I asking too much?

Am I overthinking things?


I like her a lot.
I think she does too.... but she keeps saying I'm too young.

Me personally, I've never seen age as a problem, but she does...

Is this time a part good for us?
Or is she just going to move on..


She's not even my type.
She's slowed down with the drinking, but now she's so deep into the rave scene, I don't know what she wants.
She's hanging out with a bunch of different guys, going to Vegas almost every weekend.

It's weird, but I'm just attracted to her.
I trust her with my life, and I wished she felt the same way.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about this with so many midterms coming up, but it's so hard not to.

Should I keep at it? Try talking to her?
Or should I stop trying..and get left behind like I usually do with my "best friends".

Decisions...


stuck between stop and go,
like yellow lights.


till next time.
take care.
-Darrel

Cherry.

Life's going fine.
The same melodious beat over and over again.
The same happy tune of optimism beating ever so gently.

As the electric hits, turmoil begins to clash with the happy.
Although it clashes, it creates a harmonious tune.

They work so well to repel each other that they end up working with each other to create such a beautiful tune...


Then it gets quiet...
What was once perfect harmony is put on hold.
Not knowing what's next...the happy tune comes in slightly...easing its' way in...


but in an instant the climax of the song hits.
It brings total disorder, but it's so foreign that it brings nothing but hope that the best is yet to come...

My life in a song.


Ratatat-Cherry.


Till next time..
Take care guys.

-Darrel

Transition States.

I hate it when I first come home for break, or first get back up to school.

For the prior, it's awkward being thrown into Orange County after being isolated from it for a good 4 months. Everyone has their own lives going on and me...I'm just here for a temporary stay. I leave as quick as I enter the OC scene.

For the latter, I know it's the start of a new semester and my sleeping cycles going to get raped by some science that will never apply to my life ever again.

But what both these situations have in common is that, well once you stay in it long enough, you don't want to leave.

You see, it's bittersweet every time I go home and when I get back up to school.

Sure, the first week or so is awkward..but you get into the swing of things. You appreciate everything you have at home, and you start hanging out with the old friends again. It's like high school, except we can all drive and shit seems more intelligent when we speak.

For school its the same thing.

You dread going back, but when you're back up there you know you got your fams up there too. Late night ramen runs, walking everywhere. Doing everything with everyone every single waking moment of the day. It's nice.

We get attached to whatever it is at home and at school and it makes us not want to leave.
Thats why I hate it when people ask me if I like school or home better.
Cause I feel like the answer is wherever I was last.

But anyway...I'm in that first arriving at home state right now.
It's been nice relaxing and being with my family..but it's definitely not as spontaneous as dorm life.
I just found out I probably won't get to see her till summer.
I've been studying microbiology to get ahead.
And I haven't been able to sleep really lately.

Sounds like a nice start to winter break yeah?

But what can you do..

It's that transition state right now...
and if someone were to ask me where I'd want to be right now..I'd tell them that I want to be up at school with my dormmates and bro's and sis'.

I was really only looking forward to 3 things this break.
Being with my fam, seeing the RC kiddos in action, and seeing her.

But it looks like 2/3 will have to do.

Will things get better?
usually, it does.

But only time shall tell.

Till next time.
Take care.
-Darrel

PS. I was gonna try to intertwine OCHEM and this but, no.
I'm too tired to think.

All Along.

It's been a while.

Since my last post I have....

1. Fucked up my knee.
2. Decided to stay back another year in undergrad.
3. Got a new addition to my KY family.
4. Gotten fat.
5. Started to enjoy college.

#1 I'm definitely not grateful for, but it made me realize how precious walking is.
#2 I hate organic chemistry, but it led me to #5, so it's a good thing.
#3 I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for Su. She means the world to me and I seriously could not have asked for a better little.
#4 fuck fat


As for #5....as some of you know, I dropped organic chemistry because my professor and I just did not work out too well. Which led me to stay back another year for undergad before entering pharm school. But what I realized was how tired I was. How I've just been working only to realize that my undergrad was this close to being done already. What I realized was how unhappy I was.

All along.
I've just been studying and not doing much more.

All along...
I've been a pretty lonely guy.


After I came back from tonight's festivities... words throughout the night that were said just keep ringing in the back of my mind.
What am I really doing...
why can't I really be happy?

haha
it sounds real gay but in the end those questions always pop up in my head.

Maybe I just need a girlfriend.
Shit.
Maybe I'm looking for something more than just all this that I've been dealing with since I got here.
Maybe...I'm just overthinking shit again.

Who know's.

My thoughts are really all over the place tonight, and I apologize because it's hard to follow and probably doesn't make any sense..

Anyways...I should stop.


till next time.
take care.

-Darrel

Late night musing.

In an instant, it was all over.

Done before it even started.

"So it's settled, nothings ever gonna happen?"
"yeah..."


All because of school...all because of fucking distance.
I think it's complete bullshit that we're throwing it all away.

We'll continue being friends, knowing that it's all it's ever going to be.
Just friends.

I'm sitting here, waiting for the sun to rise so that I can start a new day.
I've only seen the sun rise 3 times in my life. Those 3 times were on the 3 Thursday nights at camp. It marked the end of a special week in my life.
I guess today's marks the end of me never being able to see one with you.

I've liked you for the past 2 got damn years, and it all ends with you telling me again that long distance is too hard.

I guess you finally telling me to let go is hitting me harder than I thought...

You were right though..
I do keep a lot of things to myself. You know me better than anyone else.
I keep shit like this to myself cause you mean too much to me.
And you'll probably never know how I really feel.

Till next time..
Take care.

-Darrel

Steadier Footing.

It's gotten late and now, I want to be alone.
All of our friends were here, they all have gone home.
And here I sit on the front porch, watching the drunks stumble forth into the night.

"You gave me a heart attack, I didn't see you there. I thought you had disappeared so early, away from here."

And this is the chance I never got, to make a move, but we just talked about the people we have met in the last five years, and will we remember them in 10 more.

I let you bum a smoke, you quit this winter past. I've tried twice before, but like this, it just would not last.




Till next time.
Take care.

-Darrel